Fart Bag Surprise

I enjoy gags and practical jokes. I have always been a fan of things like googly-eye glasses, itching powder, gum that turns your teeth black and so on. Who doesn't like a chuckle? So, when I saw a cardboard box full of a product called Fart Bags at a convenient store in Hampton Beach, New Hampshire, I couldn't resist.

Let me describe the package to you: The packet is a little bigger than a tea-bag. The outer covering is metallic silver and there is a picture of a little boy with his pants down, rear end exposed, and smoke coming out of his bum. For some reason he has a bandaid on his right buttock. He is holding his nose and wearing a yellow cap that reads "Boy." Like a little girl would be doing this. There are two skulls on the ground in the distance.

This is where it gets confusing. The directions are extremely unclear. Mind you, I thought this was a small whoopie cushion. We all have experience with those. No sweat. But the directions were so unclear. Here is how the back of the package reads:

"Fart Bag

1. Do not tear this package.
2. Find the object. Break the small water-bag inside the package which will be full of air immediately. Drop the bag beside the object. (note: what object???)
3. When the bag pop and air. (huh?)
4. Eating prohibited."

At the very bottom it reads "Please do not put in mouth."

So, needless to say, I was confused but determined to set this thing off. So, my friend Jeannie, my sister Jennifer and I were lounging in our fleabag motel room looking for some excitement. "Let's check out this fart bag!" I suggested. The three of sat on our beds, Jeannie at the foot of my bed and Jen on the bed across from us. I followed the directions as best I could and placed the fart bag between the beds. The next thing we knew there was an extremely loud snap, louder than any fart I have ever heard. Our ears were actually ringing. "Is that it?" Jeannie asked. Yeah, I think so. We were not impressed. The fun was over. Nothing left to see here. Until....

...a noxious, toe-curling odor emitted into the air like the gates of Hell had opened and the most foul smelling beast had entered the room. The sounds of Jeannie's screams, Jennifer's moans and my own wails of disgust and laughter will forever be etched into my brain. We had to run onto the balcony of our room, choking and holding our noses while having to tolerate the drunken debauchery which was our next door neighbors, 20 something and boozed up on "Bacaahhdii and punch."

To make matters worse, we had no windows. It took about 45 minutes for the odor to subsist. Thank goodness for red wine. That is all.