Thursday, July 3, 2008

A Dead Man's Porn

I am not much of a blogger but sometimes you can't believe certain events and you say to yourself, "ya know, I gotta write this stuff down." So, here goes.

I just recently bought an adorable little house in Quincy and moved in about four weeks ago. The house was owned by a lovely old woman who I had the pleasure of eating coffee cake and drinking tea with for several hours as I learned about the history of the home and all of its charm. She was about 75, her husband died in the house when he was 76, about a year ago. She was the gardener, her late husband was the woodworker. Keep wood in mind.

Well, the husband, "Charlie" we'll call him, had some tools in the basement that he used to make all kinds of cabinets, bookshelves, nooks and crannies. It is impossible to describe his craftsmanship because he appeared to be a perfectionist as is reflected as you walk through the house. In any event, the man loved to work with wood and his wife loved to speak fondly of him and all of his special talents.

I noticed during our conversation that the widow's eyes lit up whenever she mentioned her late husband's name. She revealed that he liked her to "go natural", meaning that he didn't want her to dye her curly locks. She also remarked several times that "he was a real man." Um, o.k.

So fast forward, the widow moves out and I move in. Ohh, what a quaint little home, so full of whimsy and old-lady-ness. What a sweet sounding couple, so in love. And then the junk mail started to arrive. Old person shoe catalogs, garden tool catalogs, and the infamous "Harriet Carter" catalog from which you can order sock puller uppers and various plastic undergarments. Very enjoyable reading. And then one day a very special piece of mail arrived addressed to Charlie, the late husband. I opened the envelope and to my surprise and wonderment it was a catalog from Spice TV's porn warehouse.

Well, I had to sit down for this one. Charlie apparently was a real man and I suspect that since he liked his wife to be natural, he might have gone for the "Hairy and Natural Ladies Gone Wild" DVD. Who would have suspected? Now fast forward again. Jen and Jack (sister and boyfriend) were hanging out a few weeks later and Jack decided to open the lid to the wood stove in my basement. He brought its contents to me as I was sitting in the back yard. What did he discover? Another catalog for ordering porn and a receipt for a box of 100 rubber gloves. Who were these people?